Thanks soooo much for that!! :) xx
Hahaha yes I wrote it and thanks! :) xx
Thanks! And just uploaded a new one :) xx
xxx and you’re a lovely person thank you! :)
Word Count: 10362
Author’s Note: Hey there little dandelions so this is about to get very long and very cliche but if you could take your time to read this, I would really appreciate it
get ready for some deep shit. So lately, I’ve been having some pretty bad self-confidence and self esteem issues just like everyone else on this planet. I feel like in this world, I’m surrounded by amazing, intelligent, beautiful people, and then there’s me. I hate to look at pictures of myself and i hate passing by mirrors and as selfish as it sounds, and it is extremely selfish, i hate that everyone has someone to love and someone who loves them but me. And I’m fully aware that every teenage girl feels or has felt like this, but just because you’re not alone doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt. But my problems have been related to my weight and appearance and not gonna lie, it’s been shitty. I’ve cried and put tons of makeup on and I’ve gone days without eating but I’ve also smiled and gone without any makeup and even started a healthy diet. And even now, just 7 pounds lighter, i feel better about myself and I’m lucky enough to have people in my life to help me with that. However, some aren’t as fortunate. Some people have depression. Some have anxiety. Some are just damaged. Most are hurting and need help. I may not have it as hard as others, but for the people going through what I’m going through or even worse, let me tell you, it DOES get better, but only if you allow it to. Do it for yourself. Do it to show who you are. Do it to feel good about yourself. Do it to believe you’re beautiful, because to me, everyone is in their own unique way. However, some people need help from others to discover these things, and if you need help, it would be my honor to be there for you, just like you guys have been for me. And I’m not a person to flaunt my faults or cry in front of others, or even explain what’s wrong, and that’s why I’ve made this piece. One, to give an ACCURATE representation of sex and vulnerability (although i will admit, it gets a bit fluffy in here) Two, to explain that just because others are there for you to tell you you’re beautiful and love you, cannot be registered unless you, yourself, believe it. Three, to help you guys out. But let me tell you this now, i don’t believe in that John Green shit of someone coming to rescue you and kiss your tears away and save you, and you guys shouldn’t either. You should be your own goddamn hero in this story and not settle for anything less. And once you love yourself, it’s a whole new world. And you can never learn to love others, without loving yourself first. Whether you are trying to make friends, or find your sexuality, or finding someone to truly, deeply, frighteningly fall in love with * cough* guilty, it all starts with you. I’ve struggled with this more than anything else, and that’s just trying to figure out what this amazingly spontaneous world can give to me and what i can give back. We are all born with something to give and take and see and experience for ourselves, and that’s the adventure in life. The meaning of life is to give life a meaning and although I’m just a lost, awkward, average teenage girl living in a small old-fashioned town and facing the same challenges as everyone else, i can still understand this concept and hope to discover it one day. And you guys are a huge part of that. You, my little sunflower, have shaped my life in ways that i don’t even understand and you guys probably don’t either. By just liking, reblogging, following, or sending a nice message, you have shaped my path into one that leads to the beach with an endless amount of hot dudes and chocolate. And with this tiny little blog of only 1000 followers, I’ve learned and uncovered more things about myself, including what i want to do in the future, which if you ask any teenager, is a topic that makes us want to suffocate in a sea of blankets and hide away with the internet. But this isn’t about me, it’s about you. And you guys are badasses and I’m thankful for every single one of you. And that’s why I’m here: to show thanks. Well, and also to get my ridiculous fantasies that i daydream of in class everyday to share with you, but that’s a different story. But i know this has probably gotten so ridiculous that you’re rolling you’re eyes and wanting to smack me with a bible, so I’m just gonna let you read now. Um yeah, THANKS :*
Sincerely, a horny and sometimes too-deep-for-my-liking teenage girl, aka Miranda.
(that’s what she said)
Vulnerable isn’t really a welcoming feeling. In fact, and I do claim this as a true statement, it is absolute fucking hell. Knowing that there is no barrier between others and your mind is terrifying. How someone can just alternate anything they want about you in that moment with just a look or a few words. How your entire self is put onto display for the world to see every flaw like your stubbornness or that ugly scar on your right thigh. Some romanticize vulnerability and claim it to be healthy for you, but I claim it be utter bullshit.
And nothing proves to make someone more vulnerable then ever then feeling like a complete idiot in front of your crush. Trust me, it’s proven.
How am I complete fucking idiot? Well, I agreed to go to the pool with some of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met. But why is that a big deal? Well, ask my half naked bikini body and my lousy choice in activities. And why is this a problem? Oh yeah, they’re fucking gorgeous and I’m just fucking stupid. And what’s the one thing to make this situation even worse? The very man that I’ve idolized and dreamt about is standing right next me, half naked as well.
Yeah, fuck my life.
I’m already self-conscious with being just around my friends, but then I agree to be almost bare right in front of Dan fucking Howell. I’m sure if I were skinny and feminine like other girls, I would absolutely jump at the opportunity to show off and tease him. However, I’m neither skinny nor feminine, but instead awkward and shy and hate everything about myself, even the things he can’t see. I could go on for days about how I hate my stretch marks that litter my hips or the cellulite on the back of my legs or how my boobs aren’t as perky as other girls’, but who has the time when about ten practically flawless human beings urge you to take off your shirt and follow them to the crystal blue water.
The first to make me feel like a littered outhouse next to a polished Ferrari would be Zoe. “Come on Y/N!”
“Yeah, it feels so good!” Ugh not Alfie too.
“Jump in!” And there goes Joe.
At this point, I now realize that when vulnerability and pressure couple together, they bubble in producing a speeded heart rate and sweaty hands: a symptom to the inconveniences of being me. My breathing becomes short and ragged and my brain scrambles to give my body an explanation. Soon, I find myself slightly panicking to the situation until a familiar voice from behind me sticks out against the yelling and anticipation.
“Y/N? You coming?” I turn and of course am faced with none other than the sex symbol himself. His shirt is already off, making my eyes drift down and suddenly my breathing hitches. He looks down at me, silently urging me with those beautiful goddamn brown eyes of his that make my stomach flip.
“Y-yeah.” I stutter out, finally responding to someone. I wish I could just be okay with jumping in and enjoying my friends in the nice California weather, but no of course I’m self-conscious. I’m vulnerable. If only they knew that something as simple as taking my shirt off compared to lifting a 500 ton boulder. Pretty much impossible for me- painful and impossible.
I forget how fast time travels when I realize how long it’s been since my response and for once everyone is quiet and just staring at me. My heart races and I might as well have been naked, from the way I felt. “I-I-I.” I can’t seem to think of anything as my own brain paralyzes me. I look around frantically trying to find something to give me a hint. Anything about Zoe or maybe Joe or Alfie who’s eyes are shaded by dark sunglasses…wait sunglasses! “I forgot my sunglasses!” I finally come up with. It might not be the best excuse but it’s something.
“Oh, Y/N, you can just mine-” Zoey starts but I quickly cut her off scrambling over my own words.
“-No! It’s okay really. Mine are new and…um, yeah I’ll go get them!” I say quickly turning on my heal and surrendering to my hotel room after putting my clothes back on clumsily. I practically run up as discreetly as I can, stopping and smiling casually as random people pass me. My eyes start to burn and my chest tightens but before I burst into tears, I finally make it to my room and collapse on my bed.
I’m aware that this isn’t exactly normal and I should probably do something to help myself, but the problem is that I don’t even feel sorry for myself. It’s like I know I need help, but I refuse to even let myself have that much. It’s my own fault really and I feel guilty. I was the one who ate all that pizza and I was the one who gained all the weight from my growth spurts and I was the one who let all those comments on my videos get me. I’m the only one to blame and just feeling sorry for myself right now is completely selfish.
I cry routinely into my pillow, making my mascara run down my face and leave its own face on my bed. It really does hurt though. I mean all of it. The comments, the way I feel, even crying physically makes me ache. Just one thing stumps me and that’s how I can’t be like everyone else. Why am I the one to have nasty scars and why am I the one without a flat stomach? I see girls every single day looking like something I wish I could be, so it’s not exactly uncommon to look pretty. But why was I chosen to be so different?
With as much strength I can find, I sit up and walk slowly over the large mirror hanging on the back of my door. My eyes are red and puffy, mixing with the black streaks down my cheeks. Without my permission, my arms reach down for the hem of my shirt and lift. Next come my shorts that puddle down at my ankles. What I see makes my heart break, literally making my chest hurt. However, at this point I consider myself more broken than hurt.
Every single flaw is accented in my eyes, making the tears start all over again. My own head decides to betray me by screaming out fat, ugly, different. When I think it can’t cause anymore harm, it reminds me of all the judgmental whispers in high school, and written comments, and the ugly looks when I went to the pool. You see, people say it’s all in your head, but I know it wasn’t from the actual physically proof and words spilled from oblivious mouths. I guess my opinion was very popular.
“Y/N?” I hear followed by a knock on my door. I recognize it immediately and start to throw my clothes back on over my bathing suit. I wipe my eyes and steady my trembling lips to answer with, “Hold on!” I wipe away my tears and splash cold water on my face to at least try to cover up the fact I was blubbering like a baby. I put on my best smile and walk slowly to the door, letting my legs take control.
“Hi Dan! I’m still looking for my sunglasses, I might have lost them so I’m just going to stay here and look for them.” I explain trying my best not to look directly at him, because looking at the very man that makes me the most beautifully nervous could not help right now.
“Y/N…” He says sadly, ironically looking right into my eyes. I have to tear away because I know that if I stay to long, I might get stuck.
“What’s wrong?” I frown.
“I should be asking you the same thing.”
“Um, what? I’m fine-”
“-Can I come in please?” He cuts me off as politely as he can. I only nod my head, not trusting myself with words anymore.
He walks past me into my hotel room and I follow him leisurely. He suddenly stops in his tracks and I almost run into the back of him. I see his shoulders slump as he sighs but I can’t see his face, but not really sure if I want to.
“Dan, what’s wrong?” I ask again. “You can tell me anything.”
Dan and I have always been friends; starting from the day we met. Our love of nerdy video games and intense sarcasm, which seem to push everyone out, made us bond even closer. It’s very unfortunate that the only time I get to see him in person is at YouTube stuff, but I’m grateful anyway. Even though he lives all the way in London and I live in Y/L, we kept in great touch and I can honestly say he’s one of the closest friends I’ve ever had. Being that, of course to my luck, I start to basically fall in love with him and he can register everything about me, including when I feel like shit.
He sighs again before turning around to face me and the expression on his face stabs me right in the heart. I hated seeing others in despair, especially if I was the reason why. “Why…” He begins but inhales sharply. I can tell he has something to say, something he knows isn’t very pleasant. I knit my eyebrows in confusion but wait until he can finish. “Why do you n-n-not like y-yourself?
My jaw drops open in disbelief and probably pity. “W-what?”
His shoulders suddenly straighten up; like he’s content he got a response. “Why do you not like yourself?” He asks more smoothly and confidently.
With eyes wide in shock and my arms crossed in front of me, I freeze in my place. Why would he ask that? I mean it’s true, but how does he even know? And what did I do to make him think that? I don’t know, but I thought I was a pretty good actress.
I’m about to open my mouth to question him again, but I know it won’t be of any use. “Dan…” I mumble, looking at me feet praying I don’t start crying.
“Y/N please tell me. I know you don’t like being put on the spot, but I can tell when something’s wrong and right now, my spidey senses are tingling.” He jokes to try to lighten the serious tone in the room. I crack a little smile, showing him his attempt worked slightly but continue to stare at the floor that seemed to fascinate me all of a sudden.
“Dan, I really don’t want to talk about this. Let’s just go down to the pool, I’ll survive without them.” I say as I rush to the door of my room until a firm hand grabs onto my wrist, making me turn back around to the place I was trying to escape. I look up and expect him to badger me about the topic more, but to my pleasant surprise, he doesn’t. He simply guides me over to the cheap queen bed, setting me down to sit next to him. “Dan…” I whimper but before I can even finish, his strong, lean arms wrap around my torso, pulling me tighter to him. At this point, it becomes uncontrollable and I sob mercilessly into his bare chest that glistened with sweat and sunscreen.
So in short, I cried until my poor heart’s desire. I cried with every muscle in me, finally becoming undone like a thread on a shirt. Vulnerable couldn’t even begin to express how I felt at the moment, but finally, I accepted.
“Y/N, there’s no reason to hate yourself, at all.” Dan starts when my sobs turns into quiet whimpers.
“You don’t understand Dan.” I look up from his chest, wiping my cheeks but only staring at the sheets below us. “I don’t just hate the way I look like other girls. I hate everything about me. I hate my laugh and I hate my stubbornness and I hate how awkward I am and I hate how short-tempered I am and-and…” I choke out trying to find a few words scrambling through my head, “ And I hate how to you and everyone else I try to act fine and normal but in reality I’m weak and scared and just vulnerable.” I finish but soon the tears flow faster, threatening to push me overboard.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” He starts, placing his hand gently under my chin and lifting, forcing me to look right at him and his lovely eyes. “You are in no way weak or ugly or-or any of those things.” He says softly. “You know what? I love your laugh and I love how stubborn you are and I love how you don’t take any shit from people and I love how awkward you are, hell I think that’s my favorite part. Everything you hate Y/N, I’m absolutely in love with, and that includes you.” He finishes slowly. If his words were actions they’d be tiptoeing across the carpet. I look down at my hands, trying to register exactly what’s happening. I literally pinch myself because this sounds like something exactly from my fantasies.
“W-what?” I breathe out, looking back up again to only see a loving smirk mark his face.
“It means I love you Y/N. I love you in ways that amaze me and kill me and even scare me. This probably sounds ridiculously cheesy and I know you’ll probably just want to stay friends but-”But before he can even finish, my lips find their way to his and I kiss him with as much strength is left over. His lips are stiff at first, but soon blend with mine in a mix of everything amazing in this world. My hand suddenly moves up his bare chest and to his face, cupping his sharp jaw in my little hand. He responds by moving his hand to the small of my waist, pushing me closer to his body until distance is non-existent. Not just his lips move in synch with mine, but his entire body. He’s one step ahead of me in every movement, making me more and more anxious by the second. When the otherwise essential need for oxygen suffocates us, we both pull away, our bodies still close and our hands still holding.
Dan rests his forehead on mine as he looks at me with relief and I look at him with curiosity. “Wow.” He breathes. “I’ve just learned I love kissing you too.”
I giggle quietly and blush a dark pink, barely believing everything happening to me in this moment. He chuckles along and I rub my hand against his jaw softly, feeling every bump and hair on him.
“I love kissing you too.” I laugh. “And of course I love you Dan.” I whisper more seriously, not once leaving his eyes.
He closes his eyes and smiles wide showing his flawlessly crooked teeth. “Can you- can you say that again?” He replies shyly.
I laugh at his adorableness and slowly whisper, “I love you Dan.”
His smile grows even bigger and he kisses me passionately again. The passive aggression from his actions forces me on my back, with him hovering over me, but I don’t object. His tongue shyly swipes at my bottom lip, asking for permission and I eagerly give him it. He smiles into the kiss as his tongue slowly enters my mouth, fighting peacefully with my own. I find my hand slowly sliding down from his cheek down his neck and torso, curious as to everything about him. I run my fingertips across his warm skin, keeping distracted from the best make out session I’ve ever had. Then, suddenly our kiss becomes rough and Dan’s hand moves under my shirt and something pushes against my thigh. My first thought would be his phone right? But why would he have his phone is his swim shorts and why is it getting bigger and - OH MY GOD.
With that, panic takes over and pushes me off the bed and on my feet in front of him. “Uh- Dan- I –um- sorry I-I just… um.” I scramble out, totally and helplessly nervous.
“Oh god, Y/N, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to rush anything.” He replies almost as nervously as me. “I understand if you don’t want to do this.” He says with understanding disappointment blanketing each word.
“-NO!” I say quickly but quickly regret the anticipation in my voice. “Dan, I want to do this, I really do, it’s just…” I trail off not really finding the will to say it out loud. As much as I wanted him, and trust me I did, it just wasn’t enough to say out in the open. I look at my feet and purse my lips, hoping he wouldn’t notice the pure, ridiculous, stupid fucking distress that always seems to creep into my life. Suddenly, his long, warm fingers lace in between mine, making me look up.
“It’s okay, love.” He says so softly; the wind could have carried it away as easily as a leaf. “You don’t have to say anything, its okay. I won’t leave.” He says simply and his words jumpstart the beating in my chest all over again, igniting the adrenaline.
“No.” I say quietly. Something about his words and his bravery inspire me to do the same. If he could, then I had to. “No Dan, I want this. I want you.” I say, leaving my words hanging in the air. I hardly have time to silently congratulate myself before he stands up and presses his lips gently into mine. His hands fall to my hips tugging me closer until my body melts into his chest. Before I can tangle my hands in his hair, he slowly leaves my lips and strokes my cheek with his hand. Without saying a word, he asks me the permission and I silently give it to him, nervous but completely thrilled. He reaches his hand down to the hem of my shirt and before I can blink, it’s already just a piece of cotton of the floor. Finally, somebody was strong enough to help me. The cold air makes me gasp and my brain overworks and malfunctions, trying to find which emotion to pair me with. I quickly go to cover myself up with my arms and look down, my eyes water with unseen tears. “Dan.” I whimper sadly, drawing pity on myself for getting so close but not crossing the finish line.
“Hey,” He whispers, wiping away the single tear from my cheek, “Let me help you.” He says before gently taking my wrists in his rough palm and sliding my arms down to my sides, leaving myself physically exposed in front of another person for the first time. “My god.” He whispers out, leaving my stomach to tie in knots, worrying about his reaction. “You’re so beautiful.” He says in awe and it finally makes me look up in confusion.
“Why were you ever embarrassed Y/N? You’re absolutely gorgeous.”
At this point, my jaw hits the floor and blush creeps upon my face, burning in the process. My eyes seem to sting even more and a feel the slow, peaceful flow of tears running down my cheeks. “Really?” I whisper in disbelief.
He chuckles and wipes the few tears away, like he did previously. “Yeah, you’re fucking amazing.” He smiles, making the involuntary need to return his gesture appear on my face.
I start to stutter and blush and giggle and do everything that shows I was delightfully embarrassed in the span of ten seconds. So this is what its like? For someone to genuinely think you’re beautiful? For someone to want to make you happy, not for self-worth and not for self-reward? Just purely for the feeling of making you happy; for understanding. Well, in that case, goddamn, it feels fucking fantastic.
We both chuckle and giggle awkwardly together, making it normal between us. Honestly, I was just so clouded with this new idea and feeling, it felt like I was seeing for the first time, and I didn’t care what anyone thought, I was happy. There are over one million words in the English language but the most beautifully simplistic and accurate one I could think of was happy. I wanted to scream from the rooftops about how happy I was. I wanted to fucking show off how happy I was. I wanted to show the one person who makes me feel happy, how much they meant. And that one person was non-other than Daniel James Howell.
And how do I show him my thanks? By giving him the most passionate, loving, electric, eloquent kiss any person could ever give to someone else and more. He eagerly returns it as his arms wrap around me and his lip synch with mine. The kiss was so powerfully that I even began to get dizzy from it. No, like actually lightheadness to the point I needed to sit down. Of course instead of pulling back, panting, then saying ‘holy shit just fuck me’, I sit smoothly on the bed, pulling him gently with me all the while still connected. I pull myself further on the bed and naturally lay down, with him hovering on top of me. The longer we kiss the more of him I take in. His cologne smelled faint but so so good and his lips were warm and chapped and lightly thin, but I didn’t need super model lips anyway. His were more than enough. Honestly, he didn’t taste like ‘wine’ or ‘chocolate’ or anything like that. It was more like chapstick and sweetness like from a fruit, and just a hint of sunscreen. His skin was warm from the sun and body seemed weak but powerful all at the same time. He was so strong but fragile towards me and it made my little heart flutter just at thought of what this was leading to. But before my imagination could take off, his kisses slowly moved down my jaw and to my neck. And holy shit that felt good.
“D-Dan.” I say out loud in a half whisper- half moan.
“Does that feel good?” He mumbles against my skin sending little vibrations to travel all the way south. It wasn’t a seductive or masculine enhanced question like it would sound like, it was more curious and even had a hint of concern. I knew that I wasn’t used to this and he knew too, so he wanted to know what he could do, and I would more than gladly let him.
“Y-yeah, I like that.” I hum, not even embarrassed from speaking my mind. It did feel good, probably one of the best things I ever felt. It tickled yet in a way that left me wanted more, unlike normally tickles. It granted almost relief, like I was missing something; all this was exactly what I needed.
His little kisses continue and before I know it, kissing becomes sucking than sucking becomes little bites. I could feel his touch all the way down to my core, exciting me by the second. Okay, this was nothing like my fantasies or how you feel when you see a picture of Channing Tatum, this was so much more.
After a while, he slows leaves my neck and travels down my chest, kissing lightly over my bathing suit. He sneaks little kisses under my top before we both grow a little impatient. I sit up, catching Dan a little off guard as he sits up with me. I look into his eyes and bite my lip before looking down at my top, which he follows. I bashfully bring my hands behind my back and slowly untie the knot, motivated by passion and pretty much need for him to touch me.
He watches my chest as I pull the bathing suit entirely off me, leaving my entire upper half exposed. His eyes widen a bit, making me giggle. He flicks his eyes up towards my face, with a somewhat confused expression on his face. I smile and kiss him deeply on the lips all the while grabbing the back of his hand and leading it up further and further until finally, he touches me. I moan shyly into his mouth and his hand fully cups my breast. His thumb slides over my stumb, making me stiffen up slightly. His mouth starts to leave open kisses down my chest until he reaches my breasts and eagerly and semi-roughly starts to kiss and nibble at them. I throw my head back and sigh out as the warmth from his mouth counteracts my cold skin. He starts with my right while fondling the left and then switches over, leaving me panting against his mouth. He seemed to really admire them and take his time just on my chest. I knew he was a boob guy; now I’m five dollars richer from the curious bet I made with Louise.
“Dan?” I whisper, starting to feel my heat throb from the loss of contact down there and its not that I didn’t enjoy this, it just wasn’t my forte.
“Hmm?” He hums against my skin.
“P-please…” I whimper trying to move my body up so his lips move down, giving him a little hint.
He detaches from my skin to look up at me. “Oh, right.” He clears his throat and starts to quickly leave kisses down my stomach and I lean back and let him. He presses little kisses along my hipbones and toys with my shorts. After a while of teasing and pleading from me, he smirks and looks up at me through his lashes.
“May I?” He asks. I smile and nod quickly, pretty much fed up with all this teasing. He notices my impatience and unbuttons my shorts, sliding them down my legs quickly. Next follows my swimsuit bottoms and before I know it, I’m completely naked. Naked for the first time in front of anyone and I’m delightfully surprised at myself for following through, conquering my worst fear. However, I wouldn’t necessarily call it a fear, more like obstacle. If it was a fear, than I would have no desire to want to be naked in front of someone, especially someone like Dan, but I did want to be naked in front of him and not only naked but together; connected; at peace with him. This was just like an obstacle where you want to get across it and you want to see the other side and it’s the only thing standing in your way from your prize. I wouldn’t cheaply call Dan my prize, no; he’s more than that. He’s my sunset at the end of the day and the finish line at a race and the congratulatory completion page you get at the end of a video game. However, this is far from over, but at the moment thinking ahead made me dizzy so I concentrated more on the present like you should.
He leaves gentle butterfly kisses up from my ankle all the way to my thighs, concentrating on every mark on my body. I feel the arousal from my core smear on my legs but before I could say something, Dan’s chin rests on my lower abdomen as he looks up at me innocently, like he is totally unaware of the effect he has on me.
“Are you ready?” He says dead serious as he looks straight at my face, exploring every aspect of it.
I don’t need to think twice when I answer with a small “Yeah.”
“Are you sure? We can still stop- I won’t be offended or anything. I know how scary it may be but I just want to make sure-” I eagerly cut him off by sitting up and catching his lips with mine, making our noses brush together. His movements immediately flow with mine as I stop his rambling. Don’t get me wrong, his deep, posh, British voice alone can turn me on, but at the moment, I didn’t need his mouth spilling out words, I wanted it somewhere totally different.
I move my lips over to his ear and lightly kiss it before whispering, “Yes, I’m absolutely ready and I want this, I just want you Dan, so please, let me have you and you can have me.” Wow, it’s amazing what sex can motivate you to do.
He gasps slightly but covers it up with a low growl that vibrates across my skin and suddenly; his head is dipping in between my legs again. He looks up at me one more time before I nod and I feel his tepid tongue connect with my lips making me sigh out. He takes that as a positive approval and repeats the contact against my skin again, earning a moan from me. I sit back down on my back and close my eyes; curious and concentrated on the foreign feeling he was giving me.
When I slow down my breathing a bit, we raises it back up by laying his tongue flat on me and licking straight up, making my lip shake. I hold it between my teeth and shut my eyes tightly, as if the passion would flow out like water. He leaves a few kitten licks, which each time makes me want to jump right out of my skin, before I feel his hand lay on top of mine. He intertwines his fingers with mine and does the same with the other one, giving me something to hold on too. I look down and shyly watch him lick up my core and draw little figures into my skin. His hands firmly hold open my legs and I notice his thumbs slightly tickling my skin. I let go of one of his hands and bring it to his hair, making him open his eyes. I quickly look away with a blush on my cheeks, slightly embarrassed that he caught me eyeing him. He chuckles slightly but continues, going gradually faster. My pants and moan become louder and more frequent and my stomach starts to heat up, like someone put a heating pad on me, but it was strange because it was from the inside out. The muscles in me contract and relax almost involuntarily and I feel a slight pressure on my lower abdomen. I could feel myself getting tighter and tighter, from where, I’m not really sure but before I could even understand it, his lips where gone and his chest was against mine. My heart was beating so hard, he could feel it. But all I felt was his soft lips against mine, melting against me, making me more addicted with each swipe of his tongue and each grunt. But before I fell too far into submission, I place my hand on his chest and drag my lips off his. A need to give back and make him be the one to melt under me took over. I never thought I would feel like this or want to feel like this. I wanted to feel him, taste him, experience everything about him. However, the only problem was telling him.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” He asks with a questioning look on his face.
I stutter over my breath and try to form my thoughts into words but all that came out was air. “I-I um,” I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks and I had no idea what to say, so I said it point-blank. “I want to touch you.” I whisper against his ear and immediately regret my decision. Did I freak him out? Did he take it a different way? Will he even let me?
But his reaction surprises me and I never thought a few words could make someone so turned on, especially if they came from me. “Fuck,” he moans, “Please.”
That was all I needed until I sink off the bed and on my knees, taking his place from just minutes before. I undo his ties to his swim trunks, and prepare myself, but soon see Calvin Clien underwear underneath. I forgot boys do that it always confused me. However, my hands stiffen up and my mind races when I remember I have no fucking clue what I’m actually doing. I’ve never done anything like this before and I’ve never watched porn for more than ten seconds because I always freak out a little. Panic soon rushes throughout my body, showing evidence in my face.
“You okay?” I hear, snapping me out of my thoughts. I look up to see Dan sitting up on his elbows looking a bit worried for me.
“Um yeah, I just um,” come on, I’ve said so much already, I can say a bit more, “I just don’t really know what I’m doing.” I say quietly. I expect to start blushing and feeling embarrassed or nervous, but I don’t and it takes me back a little. I feel more excited than anything and I’m confused, but relived at the same time.
“Hey, that’s okay, look, I’ll show you.” He responds sweetly and takes my hands in his, sitting fully up at this point. He guides them to the waistband of his boxers and I gasp a bit. I take it between my fingertips but look up and receive a nod from Dan, showing me I’m allowed. I take one deep breath and slid them down, gasping at the sight in front of me.
His entire length sticks up and out, shining from arousal and pink with strain. It’s not super long or extremely wide, but it’s more than I expected. His size intimidates me a bit, leaving me wondering for the future. A few veins pop out and I notice a small tan line on his waist, making his member a bit lighter than the rest of his body. There was still foreskin, unlike all the pictures you see accidently (or not) of dicks and it didn’t really look similar to the few I’ve seen. It was interesting, yet a bit terrifying, not knowing what to do next.
“Okay, now,” He starts and takes my hands in his after he notices me staring directly at him, “grab on like this.” He says as he leads my right hand to wrap my fingers around the center, making him shiver a bit. “Then,” he says with a struggle, “move your hand like this.” He gasps as he moves my hand up and down with his own, making me feel every inch of him. He was warm and very hard, yet a bit wet and smooth. I gasp along with him when I feel a vein twitch underneath me, startled a bit, but I go on. Eventually after a few seconds, he lets go and I continue jerking him off slowly, still trying to understand fully what to do. I go a bit faster and he let’s out a moan. I smile a little, smug that I, Y/F/N, could make Dan Howell turned on. I get a bit more anxious and move faster, making him grip the sheets underneath him. I stare at the tip and watch as he becomes undone and I start to notice my mouth watering with curiosity. I try to push the dirty thoughts out of my head although they eventually conquer me and I take my hand off him, making him whimper.
“C-can I taste you?” I whisper and look up through my lashes once he opens his eyes. They widen a bit and I can see a slight blush but he pushes the hair out of my face and nods. I stare down at him and think about what I should do next and settle first for kisses. I start with sweet small ones at first all the way from his stomach to the tip but then end up with wet, open-mouthed ones all along him. I notice him staring down at me, and I blush a bit, but only wanting to keep going.
“Okay, now, just wrap your lips around the top here.” He says, once he notices my hesitation and signals towards the head. I nod and slowly open my mouth just enough to let him in and for the first time, I can taste him. It’s a bit salty and tastes like his spit a bit, but it made me crave more. We both let out moans simultaneously and I sink down a little lower, making my jaw ache a bit.
“Just relax, love.” I follow his advice and make my jaw go slightly limp so my lips are wrapped fully and closer to him and he groans again. I go down a bit further, rather liking his reactions and actually enjoying the experience, until I get too far ahead of myself and I feel the tip hit the back of my throat and I gag, quickly taking him out my mouth.
“I’m sorry.” I whisper and look down at my hands, trying to catch my breath. I feel his large hand cup my jaw and I look up with watery eyes.
“Y/N, it’s alright.” He chuckles a bit. “It’s your first time, you don’t have to do that again.”
“No, but Dan, I want to. I just, I don’t know it felt so good when you did it, I just, I want to make you feel that good.” I say without thinking, again.
He chuckles again. “Baby trust me, you don’t need to give me a blowjob to make me feel good, all I need is you to be here.”
“That’s sweet Dan, it really is but…I want to try again.” I say, looking up to observe his reaction. He smiles comfortably and nods his head.
“Okay baby, we’ll try again.”
I smile widely at him before softly pushing him down on his back, trying to get him to relax a bit. I go back down to his hard on and stroke it couple times like he showed me and he lets out a manly grunt that make my stomach turn in the best way possible. I wrap my lips around the top of him again and his hands immediately go to my hair, making a messy ponytail. He doesn’t pull or push my hair but I can tell that he wants to by the way his fingers twitch. I go down a bit but move back up, replacing the motions I used with my hands with my mouth. Each time I move up, I got back down even further. Once I reach as I far as I can, which is only about half way, I pick up my speed, eliciting grunts and moans from Dan that make my ears ring.
“God, you look so beautiful.” He struggles and I look up to see him staring at me in admiration but fighting to keep his eyes open. I smile and bring my hand up to his to hold it firmly, just like he did with me. He tugs lightly on my hair, making me moan out and creating a chain reaction. About two minutes have passed and I was going pretty fast, but it started making it hard to breath and my mouth sore, but I tried to not to show him. Honestly, I could do this forever if it made him feel this good. I started to notice his thighs twitch a bit and his hands tightening around the places he held me. His chest heaved up and down as his pants became loud and ragged. I could hear moans and profanities spill out more frequently but before anything spontaneous could happen, he stops me.
“Y/N, wait wait, come up here.” He moans out, making me slightly confused, however I do as he asks just in case something was wrong. I move up his body and put my arms either side his head to support me up and he sighs out in relief and opens his eyes.
“Nothing, I was just close.”
“Well, isn’t that the point?” I giggle a bit as he smiles up as me and blushes.
“I mean, yeah, but I didn’t want to yet.” He says bashfully.
“Okie dokie.” I shrug making him chuckle at me. Man, even right after giving the man of my dreams a blowjob, I still find a way to sound innocent ugh.
“You’re so cute.” He chuckles.
“But I don’t wanna be cute.” I jokingly whine. “I wanna be fierce and sexy and like… the next Beyoncé.” I joke, whipping my hair dramatically over my shoulder, which only makes him laugh harder.
“Oh come on, you’re telling me clumsy and awkward isn’t sexy?” He says sarcastically making me gasp out in fake offense.
“That’s it, no more blowjobs for you.” I hit him on the shoulder and the expression on his face is priceless.
“No no wait I take it back!” He panics and it just makes me laugh harder.
“Nope, sorry Dan, if you can’t control your mouth then I won’t be using mine.” I laugh.
“Oh my god! Did I really just hear Y/F/N just say that?”
“You did indeed Howell, and until you can find a way to make up for what you said, we will just sit here naked and make horrible jokes at each other.” I sit up.
“Yep, like what’s the difference between you and an egg?”
“I don’t know, what?” He smirks.
“An egg gets laid and you don’t.” I snicker making him gasp out. He reaches out and grabs my sides pulling me down and flipping us over, just making me laugh hysterically until tears are running out of my eyes. I feel him start to tickle me but I scream out.
“Wait wait! Are you from Europe?” I ask between giggles.
“I am, why?” He laughs.
“Because euro-piece of shit.” I laugh so hard I turn on my side and clutch my stomach.
“Oh my god! That was horrible!” He says as he tickles me.
“No, I meant fine piece of ass!” Please!” I plea but he continues and starts to leave ticklish kisses up my neck. “Dan!” I scream started to loose control of my own body and my whole body aches just from laughter. However, his hands slow down but his lips speed up until everything becomes completely silent. His face is buried in my neck and I close my eyes, relieved at the sudden peace in the air. I feel his sex tenderly poke my thigh and I bring my hands up to his shoulder blades, soothing the muscles with my fingertips. His hair tickles my nose as he hits the little spot on my neck that is more sensitive than the rest and I moan out his name in a whisper.
“Dan, I’m ready.” I whisper, finally giving up on the delightful horniness coursing through my body.
He looks up into my eyes and we stare, for only a few seconds, but its as if he says a thousands words. “Yeah?” he smiles.
He nods once more before removing his body from me and getting up to look in his swim trucks that were now lying on the carpeted floor. He searches for a while but after he looks in all pockets, he panics a little and looks again more quickly.
“I can’t find, a-you know- um…”
“Oh.” I answer shyly, ridding him of his curse to say it. “Um, there’s some in the drawer.” I say quietly. He looks up with a goofy expression of his face that just turns into a smirk.
“You have some?” He says, trying to keep in his giggles.
“Um, yeah- but Louise gave them to me as a joke! I swear!”
He just laughs and bends over to kiss my forehead. “Right.” He says sarcastically.
I just glare at him and we enter into a short stare off before I’m the one to look away and giggle. He rolls his eyes playfully and opens the drawer and I see the little amused smile he puts on when he grabs ahold of the packet, but he quickly lets it fade, knowing I’ll just give him a hollow threat. He opens it with his teeth and sticks the rubber down him until I pull him over to me and kiss him forcefully. We both smile into it as I lean back and he hovers his chest over mine. His kisses are quick but deep as he leaves some around every inch of skin he can find, but always ended back up to my lips.
“Dan…” I urge, telling him exactly what I want without having to say any of it.
He looks up and pushes some hair out of me face before saying, “Okay, now this is going to hurt a little but promise you’ll tell me to stop if you need it okay?”
“Okay, I promise.”
“I’m going to take care of you, trust me?”
“Y-yeah, okay, just please…” I gasp, incredibly impatient as I feel my skin literally throb with anticipation. I grip onto his shoulders and I close my eyes after a notice him grab onto himself, about to lead himself in.
“Wait.” He says sternly and I open my eyes, about to scold him and think what in hell made him think that I could wait any longer. “Say you’re beautiful.”
“What?” I ask with my eyebrows knitted together.
“I want to hear you say that you’re beautiful.” He says nonchalantly.
“Dan please don’t do this, I want you so bad-”
“Please, just… say it.” He begs and my curiosity sores with explanations as to why he needs it.
“I’m beautiful.” I scoff with no interest whatsoever.
“Come on, like you mean it, please.”
I look up into his eyes and I could feel my eyes start to sting with unseen tears. But it wasn’t like only about an hour ago where I cried for pity and heartbreak, but it was almost like I was touched, just by the images his eyes showed to me. I was about to cry from happiness because, hell, I am beautiful. I never imagined myself ever thinking it, but as I sit here in this dim cheap hotel room on this shitty mattress and ugly bedding, I am beautiful in this moment, but I realize only because someone showed me I am. And that somebody was lying right above me and was totally in love with me.
“I’m beautiful…” I start as I flicker my eyes towards his lips then back up, “because you make me feel beautiful.”
That was the last thing I ever said as a virgin.
With a gasp, and one extremely slow trust, we were connected entirely. His chest lay against mine and our hearts beating at the same rhythm and our minds wondered into each other thoughts, taking a picture with memory. I flutter my eyes closed and I gasp as he literally took my breath away. I felt a stretching and it was somewhat painful, but not as descriptive as every one portraits it. Although, something wasn’t right. I wasn’t in pain or anything, but I was uncomfortable. I expected my body to conform, but after a few seconds I was still stiff and what I thought this was going to be, was not at all what I expected. I started to get, I don’t know, disappointed maybe? I thought this was supposed to feel good, what happened? It actually frightens me more that I just didn’t like it then it being painful. At least with pain, you felt something, anything, but all I could feel was my heart beating out of my chest in panic and his in anxiety.
“D-Dan…” I alert him with a bit of panic in my voice that I didn’t think I would show.
“Hey, hey, are you okay?” He says as he bring his hand up to cup my cheek, his breathe softly blowing onto my nose.
“I-I, just…something doesn’t feel right.” I squirm underneath him.
“Okay, hold on.”
Dan slides himself back out and I sigh out in somewhat relief, but immediately regret it, hoping he doesn’t take it personally. “Okay, Y/N, relax and we’ll try this again okay?”
I nod. I look down and bite my lip, trying to hide the negative curiosity, however, I’ve already learned my lesson in how well that works.
“Hey, Y/N…” I hear him say and I look up and immediately am looking right into his eyes. He cups my chin and flickers his eyes around my face, trying to find the emotion. “It’s okay, just look at me.”
“Okay.” I whisper. Suddenly I feel his tip enter me, even more slowly than the first time. I sigh out again and shut my eyes, unsure yet of what it felt like.
“Baby, come on, look at me.” He whispers softly and my eyes open again. He takes that as a clue and enters a little more, making me moan softly. My walls opened then squeezed back around him, forming and shaping around him, making a bit of relief flow out through my body. I feel his fingers intertwine with mine and he slides in a little more, making my entire body tingle and my shoulders drop down. All I could feel was his warmth on and in me, making me feel like a completely new person, an addition if you may. His eyes search my eyes and I smile a little, finally feeling how you’re supposed to feel. He smiles back and leaves a floating kiss on my lips.
“Are you okay?” And that’s all it took for me to belong to him entirely. Not in a dependent or a possessive way, but emotionally kept in my mind that he is my first and my love and my protector and I’m his love and partner and his only. In that moment, he was not going to slip away after an awkward conversation or in confused crowd, he was staying here with me, and that’s all I could ask him to do, beside faster and don’t stop.
“Yes, I’m…wow.” I gasp and let out a quiet little laugh.
He smiles down at me, “Alright you ready for me to move?”
“Yeah.” I whisper, not being able to wipe the smile off my face, not like I wanted to.
He draws his hips back slowly right before he can leave me but slowly enters back in again, making me moan against his skin. I bring my arms up and wrap them around his shoulders, running my fingertips gently over his shoulder blades. He does this a few more times, at the same pace as I close my eyes, trying to take in every sensation.
“Faster, p-please.” I whimper and I can see him smirk a bit in the corner of my eye. He tucks his head down into my neck and leaves little kisses until he thrusts into me, faster than before. It was still incredibly slow, but it didn’t even matter because it all felt so good. Heat flushed into my blood, showing signs of chills everywhere he touched me and didn’t touch me. His hair tickled my cheek and his chest lay across mine as I could feel the slight layer of sweat off him.
“Fuck, you’re so tight.” He groans involuntarily, making me blush from under him. However, that feeling quickly fades away when a moan bursts from my throat.
He sits up on his forearms and looks down on me, letting the air hit my heated body and cool me down slightly. He stares right into my eyes, trying to find an emotion, anything that could help him. But, to be honest, I had no idea what I was feeling. There were so many emotions running through my veins and I could barely keep my eyes open. I moan as he keeps thrusting slowly into me, making him smirk.
“You-you s-still okay?” He struggles out as he sneaks little kisses here and there.
“Fuck yes.” I sigh out, making him chuckle.
His hand comes up to hold my chin in place softly as he burned his big brown eyes down into mine, making my bite my lip and feel a bit self-conscious of what I looked like at the moment. “You’re so fucking beautiful baby, just for me.”
“Hmm, Dan…” I moan out.
“I want you so bad, I love you so much.”
“I-I l-love,” a moan bursts through my lips, “I love you more.”
“Tell me how you feel.” He growls, in the sweetest way possible.
“God, Dan, I-I, that feels so good.” I whimper out as his thrusts get steadily faster and I can feel his pelvis hit mine softly. It was all overwhelming and almost tiring, yet I could feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins. I’ve never felt something this good in my entire life and every touch and sight and sound was just another new experience that I wanted to capture for the rest of my life and continue on for that time. I felt his hot breathe pant against mine as he moaned my name quietly in my ear along with saying how beautiful he thought I was and how much he wanted me- wanted this. My eyes roll back into my head as I stare up at the ceiling, watching as my vision was shaking from his thrusts. My entire skin was on fire: sweating and boiling. Whimpers kept leaving my mouth with every thrust as I held onto Dan like he was the last chocolate bar on earth. I tingled with anticipation and every thing felt amazing until my muscles started to constrict around him and squeeze as he hit that little spot inside me, making me gasp out.
But then, there’s the feeling, the really really fascinating one that felt really really good. A feeling that I can’t really explain to be honest, but holy shit it felt more amazing than anything so far. It doesn’t take a scientist to know what that feeling was, but it does take a writer to explain it. It’s painful, however, if I didn’t feel it, I would feel empty. It’s anxious, but I want it to last forever. It’s numbing, yet I could feel it everywhere, from my shaking lips to my beating heart to my curled toes. It’s absolutely, ridiculously thrilling and I was about to experience it.
“Dan, I-I think I’m close.” I whimper out, barely able to say anything from the feeling of abstinence of oxygen in my lungs.
“Come on love. Let go, it’s alright.” He whispers into my ear.
“Dan…” I whimper repeatedly. “Oh god!” Then I feel my muscles constrict in the tightest they could and I lost my breath. There was so much I could scream out to him. However, in the moment, no words could really amount to the amazement I was feeling, not those two and not three specific ones. But why explain it when I could just feel it? And why use words to show how positively weak I was, when I could just feel it in my knees? It may be completely selfish but at the moment, I couldn’t care less. I was too busy pleading and gasping and squirming against him, I even forgot my own name. My entire mind went blank and I had no idea where I was, and I couldn’t see anything, and the entire world was silent. In that moment, my heart didn’t beat and my mind didn’t think, and my eyes couldn’t see. I was dead; limp, but at the same time I’ve never felt more alive than in that very moment.
My muscles feel like they burst as I orgasm for the first time, well, ever. My breath is forced out into the air almost violently as I’m squirming underneath him, gripping at anything I could find: the sheets, his hair, his shoulders. My vision is spotting and is still shaking when I hear him groan out with a few slipped profanities as he empties out into the condom. I don’t feel very much, just unsteady pressure and I sigh out, panting harder than I ever had before.
He slows down gradually until he is completely still, milking out both of our orgasms as long as possible. At this point I could feel my legs shake and my heat beating against my chest and just absolutely exhausted to be honest. He slowly slides out of me, but just pants heavily onto my skin as I close my eyes for a while, trying to really comprehend what just happened.
“Dan…” I pant and he looks up and at me, smiling his wonderful smirk of his that makes me love him all over again.
“Was that…okay?” He asks awkwardly, but hey like I said, awkward is the new sexy.
I giggle as he blushes and answer with, “Yes, that was…fun.” I say just as awkwardly and we both laugh at how stupid yet alike we sound.
“Good, I had fun too.” He chuckles. “And by the way, thank you.” He whispers seriously as he rests his forehead on mine.
“For what?” I giggle.
“Just…thank you.” He smiles but I know exactly why and I smile widely before leaning up and kissing him deeply while wrapping my arms around him.
“We should…probably…get…back.” He mumbles in between kisses and I don’t really listen to what he says until I gasp out loud detaching from him.
“Holy shit, how long have we been gone?”
He looks over at the hotel clock then back at me to answer with, “about three hours.”
“THREE HOURS?!?!” I say panicked as I slide out from under him. My thighs shake and I almost fall on my face until I grab onto the table next to me to balance myself. I start to put on my clothes and am so busied I don’t even notice him stand up until he grabs my wrist gently, making me turn towards him.
“What? What’s wrong?”
“I have my VidCon performance in fifteen minutes!” I say glancing at the clock. He opens his mouth to say something, but a knock on the door fills in for him.
“Y/N?! Y/N?! Are you in there?” I hear Louise say threw the door.
I look over at Dan with wide eyes and he returns the expression. I mouth ‘what do we do?’ and he starts to put his clothes back on, tripping over his feet as she knocks again. “Y/N are you okay?”
“Y-yeah, coming!” I say as I finish putting the rest of my clothes on. I push Dan gently into the bathroom and close the door, whispering to him to stay quiet. I run towards my lovely, yet at the moment, badly-timed friend, opening the door, trying to look as presentable as possible. However. When I swing the door open, I’m greeted with about ten other youtubers and no, not just them, but a video camera, recording EVERYTHING.
“Hey-hey Louise, how you doing?” I answer nervously as I lean against the door frame but soon stumble around as my arm slides out from under me.
“Y/N! We’ve been worried and- oh my god…what happened to you?” She gasps and I suddenly realize I look like… well- like I just had sex.
“Me? Haha, what? I’m…um…just took a nap.” I smile falsely as everyone’s eyes are on me, and only me.
“If I didn’t know better I would say you’ve just had sex-”
“HAHAHA SEX?! WHAT LOIUSE YOU ARE SO FUNNY. Did you know that? How funny you are?! This is why I like you, you’re just wow, isn’t she funny guys?!” Yeah, not smooth at all.
“Um Y/N…” Alfie starts in a warning tone as if there’s a spider on my shoulder.
“What? What is it?” I ask frantically.
“What…what are those?” He says pointing to me neck. I touch my hand to the area and feel heat radiating off them and it feels elevated off my skin. OH MY GOD.
“Are those love bites?!?!” Louise laughs as I blush so hard, there’s no blood left to go to my brain.
I open my mouth to contradict but we all turn toward my room as we hear a crash followed by a loud ‘FUCKING HELL.’
“Who’s back there?” Zoe giggles and I know I’m caught.
“Wait, DAN?!” Louise shouts into my room. I don’t have time to even blink before she rushes into my room, pushing me and pulling everyone else behind her as they all rush in and towards the bathroom door. I run after them, but have no time to stop them before Louise yanks the door open to find a tumbling Dan sitting awkwardly into the bathtub.
“Oh, uh hey…”
“Wait, did you guys…?” Alfie starts.
“OH MY GOD, YOU DID HAVE SEX!” Louise shouts in excitement and I put my head in my hands, completely embarrassed and tempting to jump right out the window.
Everyone starts talking excitingly and have no idea what to do as they all pat my back and question everything. And I mean, everything.
I look up from my hands and notice Dan by my side, blushing just as harshly as me. But, as I looked into at most clumsily, lazy, awkward, funny, and loving person I’ve ever met, I kept help but smile. He returns it as he pulls me into his side, protecting me and laughing along with all our friends. Then at that moment, I knew this wasn’t serious or frightening or a gimmick. He was here and loved me and that’s all I could ever ask for.
“See Y/N, I knew those condoms would come in handy.”
Hahaha when I get home in the evening!